I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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