i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize