I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
