someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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