Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
