I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
