Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
