kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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