Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
