Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
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I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
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And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.