Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
