Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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