so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
