speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i dont even know how to be here
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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