first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
