My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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