i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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