Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
