I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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