i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
