before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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