I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
