you traded sex for a burrito?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Randomize
