the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
