Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
