hotel room ftw
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
