Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
This is classic penis vs brain.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
