I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
