So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
