Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
