I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
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But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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