Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
