You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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