Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
