her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
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I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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