I feel great
I just peed on a car
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
