she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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