Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
