didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
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Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
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You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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