So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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