Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
