but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
