Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
