She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
the liver wants what the liver wants
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
