i already hear my dad disowning me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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