I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
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He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
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It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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