Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
