dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
