my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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