glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
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She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
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He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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