I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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