we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You ruined the universe
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
