one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Your cock deserves a montage
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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